What Life is Like For the Akatsuki
by enter.at.risk
Summary: The Akatsuki are forced by their leader to talk about their lives in front of a crowd.He must not have thought it through correctly...Ranting/stories from their lives.TOBI IS JUST TOBI AND PEIN IS LEADER. Includes Orochimaru. M for language and suggestive themes.
1. Chapter 1:They're so annoying, un

A/N:So I want to try something different. This is something I've wanted to try doing for a while now. It's not an original idea obviously. I hope that it's not to like others that I've read. I hope that it's entertaining though. Hopefully you like it and I can keep writing more of these. This first one might not be the best since I don't usually write like this. I hope you enjoy it though, if you like it...REVIEW!

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><p>Chapter 1:They're so annoying, un.<p>

It was around noon on an extremely hot day. All the Akatsuki were gathered on a medium sized stage where they sat on high stools in the back. They were lined up in this order from right to left: Deidara, Sasori, Tobi, Kakuzu, Hidan, Kisame, Itachi, Zetsu, Orochimaru, Konan, and Pein.

They were all gathered to speak on stage about their daily life as part of Akatsuki. It had been Pein's idea. He wanted everyone try and work out differences by listening to what other's had to say about each other. Granted, he didn't think it would work, but he knew that it would at least be a hell of a show for anyone who came to watch them speak.

Pein was in charge of the event, so when the seats in the room were mostly filled, he walked to the microphone at the front of the stage and started to speak. "Welcome everyone. Today us Akatsuki members will talk about our daily life. Everybody stay seated, keep you mouths shut, and watch. First up is Deidara," Pein said before handing the microphone to Deidara.

There were numerous mumbles heard across the room. "That's it?" some said about Pein's intro. Others were questioning the blonde that had sat on the stool at the front of the stage. "That's the one that everyone says is a girl, right," someone asked the person beside them. Unfortunately, Deidara heard the comment and was about to blow him up, but was stopped by a loud cough from Pein.

Deidara stared into the crowd of whispering people, waiting for it to stop. He watched, giving them a colder death glare each moment that passed. Since the talking wouldn't stop, Deidara thought he'd shut them up himself.

"Everybody shut your damn mouths before I blow this whole place up, un!" Deidara warned, showing the mouth that was sewn shut on his chest through his cloak and shirt.

The crowd went deathly silent as everyone stopped talking and stared at Deidara.

"Thank you, un," he said, perfectly composed. "Well, I guess I'll just get straight to what we're all here for." He paused to make sure no one was going to say anything.

"Okay then. To start, living with the Akatsuki is like living in hell. The reasons for that being they all still question my sex, even though they've seen me without a shirt on-"

"Maybe you're just a flat chested tranny!" Tobi yelled at his senpai. "Maybe you're a man up there and a women down there!" he yelled as he pointed at Deidara's chest and then the place where his said manhood would be.

"Tobi! Shut your annoying fucking mouth! You know very well that I am not half woman, un!" Deidara yelled at the masked freak.

"I do! But they don't!" Tobi giggled.

Some people in the crowd started to giggle as members of the Akatsuki laughed. This infuriated Deidara to no end. He found one unlucky laughing soul and was about to blow her up, but just as before, Pein stopped him.

"Everybody shut you perverted mouths the hell up!" he hissed. "Me and Tobi are partners in crime, and we do not participate in any kind of sexual behavior, un!"

There were a few more giggles from the crowd before they saw Deidara pulling his cloak down again. They all shut up.

"Deidara, don't say the words _sexual behavior_ again. It doesn't sound right coming from you," Kakuzu said quietly to him from behind.

"It doesn't sound to great coming from you either," he replied before calmly looking back to the crowd.

"If you do that again, Tobi or people in front of me, someone's getting blown up," he warned.

The crowd went eerily silent again. Deidara nodded in approval.

"Okay. Now back to how Tobi would know I am a man. As I said, we are partners in crime. Therefore, when we are sent on a mission together, we obviously have to take potty breaks, un."

There were a couple giggles from behind. Deidara gave his fellow Akatsuki members a death glare and then returned to talking.

"I am not saying that we _watch _each other piss, but I'm pretty sure he would know that I have guy parts if I don't have to squat and sometimes I like to pretend that my dick is a hose."

The giggling started again. "It's true! He does!" Tobi shouted happily.

There were laughs heard from the crowd and behind.

"What the fuck, man? You don't have to fucking tell us all of this!" Hidan attempted to yell at Deidara through his laughter.

"Everybody shut the hell up before I make one of you explode, un!" Deidara threatened again.

The crowd went silent again and the giggles from behind started to subside. "As I was saying before Tobi rudely interrupted me earlier, these psychos don't seem to believe that I am 100% a male."

"Prove it!" shouted a girl from the back of the crowd.

"I don't think so!" Deidara yelled back at her. "If I could see you, I'd kill you right now." There was silence. "Okay, now that we're done with that, I have to say that they don't understand art whatsoever."

"You don't understand art whatsoever," Sasori said to him.

"Don't bother me now, danna, un." Deidara stood up from the stool he was sitting on and began to pace across the stage.

"See, danna here believes that art will last forever. I think that art is a fiery blast that-" Deidara said but was cut off by Sasori.

"Your look on art is pathetic. If it doesn't last forever, then it's not anything worthy of being called art," he told Deidara.

"No more interruptions! Your look on art is pathetic! There's no excitement in something that sits still for a thousand years. Art is a blast, un. Art should last for a couple of loud, fiery seconds, if that!" Deidara said as he crossed his arms, still pacing.

"Sasori danna's artwork is nothing but a bunch of boring, unmoving, ugly puppets. There's no meaning to that." He paused and sat back down on his stool.

"My look on art is the only true one. Everybody else in this stupid ass organization seems to think it's just a nuisance, un. Pein seems to think it's stupid because "every time" I decide to be artistic, something gets blown up or ruined. Kakuzu doesn't like my artwork because he doesn't like to pay to replace the things my beautiful art has ruined."

Deidara looked out into the crowd and smiled smugly. "Anything," he paused, "or anyone," he paused again, "that is blown up by my artwork is worthy of praise because it was worthy enough to be destroyed by my art, un."

"Okay, Deidara. What the hell are you talking about? Anything that you blow up is worthy of being dumped in the trash or being fed to Zetsu," Kisame said to his fellow Akatsuki member.

"Mmmmm, Deidara, maybe you should blow someone up. I skipped breakfast today because nobody woke me up after you blew my damn clock to bits," Zetsu said.

"No more god damned interruptions please! I told you all my art is looked down upon."

"Because it's not art," Sasori butt in.

"Shut the fuck up, danna," Deidara told the puppeteer.

The crowd looked as though they were getting bored of the discussion on what real art was. Taking notice to this, Deidara decided to move on. This wasn't supposed to be a rant.

"Moving on. Overall, everyone in this damned organization is a total lunatic! Now, I will tell you all some of my reasons for thinking this, un," Deidara said to the crowd that started to look interested again.

"We'll start with my current partner, Tobi." Deidara paused. "This man, is the most fucked up in the head, un. To start, he looks like a damn lollipop because of the stupid mask."

There were sniffles coming behind Deidara.

"He never shuts up. His voice is annoying. He seems to not be able to die. I swear, he can't be killed. I've tried. I can't even say how many times I've tried to give him a death by explosion."

There were small cries coming from the masked man now. Deidara noticed and decided to be nice before he went into a total fit and drowned everyone in the room.

"But, I must say. Even he has his good moments. He is my partner and I can't just lose him, or I'll be screwed, un."

This made the sniffling lighten up.

"Now to the old partner, Sasori danna. He doesn't understand my art and he thinks I'm inferior to him. His art approaches are hilarious. They suck, un."

Just then, Tobi jumped on top of Sasori and started to hug him. "It's okay Sasori! He loves us! Don't let him brainwash you!"

The puppet boy tried to get the masked idiot off of him. "Let go of me Tobi. You're causing a scene."

"But Tobi loves you!" Tobi said as he sat on Sasori's lap, face to face, and opened his arms for another hug. Sasori took this as a chance to get him off of his lap, so he quickly punched Tobi in the chest and sent him flying onto the floor.

"Stop it! I can't talk for more than 3 minutes, un!" Deidara yelled at the two as Tobi sat back down.

"I'm sorry senpai! Tobi is a good boy!"

"Good boy my ass..." Deidara mumbled.

"Okay, now to Kakuzu. He's a cheap bastard. Sometimes it helps, like when he forces people in the stores to give us discounts, but other times it's annoying."

Deidara paused and took out a one dollar bill from his pocket. He looked back at Kakuzu smugly. "Watch this, un," he ordered the crowd.

"Oh no, please not that," Kakuzu was mumbling.

Deidara threw the dollar bill onto the ground and made a tiny clay bird with the mouths in his hands. He showed the bird off to everyone in the room. Then he stared at Kakuzu with a twisted smile and let the bird fly around a little before it made a dive at the dollar bill.

Kakuzu jumped clumsily from his stool and caught his leg in the pegs, toppling onto his face. That barely slowed him down though. Without a second to spare, Kakuzu jumped at the money on the floor and grabbed it just as the bird was about to hit it.

Instead of hitting the money, the bird went straight towards Kakuzu's face as exploded on contact. Kakuzu was thrown backwards into the last few stools, knocking Pein, Konan, and Orochimaru over.

Pein stood up from the floor and gave Deidara an icy stare that made shivers go through everyone's spines. He helped Konan up and pushed Orochimaru back down with his foot as he tried to get up. "Don't do that again," Pein warned Deidara.

Deidara gulped. "Sorry, leader." He smiled cowardly.

"Dumbass," Sasori muttered at him.

Deidara glared at his old partner in crime and then looked at the crowd. They were stifling laughter, scared to anger the ginger that was the leader of the fearsome Akatsuki. Deidara smiled smugly.

"I guess you all enjoyed that. I knew you would," he said as he looked at Kakuzu who was curled up on the ground kissing the slightly burnt money. Part of his mask was burnt off, showing a piece of his sewn mouth.

"See, he's a total cheap ass. And his partner is even worse, un. He's not cheap, but all he talks about is his damn god, Jashin. Almost every day he tries one of us to convert. The damn bastard once tried to use me as a sacrifice when I made him a little mad," Deidara exclaimed.

"You blew up half of my fucking room! I had a shit load of Jashin shit over there, fucktard!" Hidan yelled angrily.

"So he tried to sacrifice me to his god." Deidara smiled at the disturbed crowd. "If it wasn't for Kakuzu, I guess, it would have worked."

"On to the next. Itachi is quiet. Too quiet, un. When he doesn't feel like talking all he says is 'hn'. It's really annoying, un," Deidara started.

"Why don't you tell them about how you joined Akatsuki," Orochimaru suggested.

"Shut it, Oro, un. I was getting to that." There was a pause. "I was forced by Itachi. He used his fucking sharingan on me in our fight and won. So I had to join. But thanks to that fateful event, I now have this cool thingy for my eye, un," Deidara said as he moved the hair over his left eye to show the metal that was there.

"It allows me to do plenty of other things a normal eye can't do, one of those things being protect me from that damn sharingan."

"This is getting really boring!" a short man yelled from the front row.

Deidara glared at him and in an instant flung a clay bird at him that had obviously been prepared earlier and was hidden under his cloak. The man burnt to a crisp, but didn't disappear. The people around him gasped in shock and pain as they were hit with some of the flames. "I can't eat that," Zetsu muttered unhappily.

"I bet you didn't think I would do it! But ha! I proved you wrong! Now who else wants some, un?" he screamed into the crowd.

Everybody stayed silent and waited for him to go on. "Well, I guess since I seem to be boring you I'll just pass the microphone on soon. After I explain why I can't stand everyday life with fish boy and man eater over there, un."

Kisame looked annoyed. "I am not a god damn fish," he mumbled. "I eat people because they taste good," Zetsu's dark side said.

"Fish boy likes to take long baths. Me, Tobi, Itachi and fish boy share a bathroom, un. I've caught him in there playing with his little bath toys," Deidara said.

"That's not gay or anything," Kisame said sarcastically.

"Don't test me, fish boy. I'm in a bad mood, un." There was a pause. "When we're in our pool he likes to tip me off of my raft sometimes. He likes to pretend he's a shark."

"That's because he is one!" Tobi yelled.

"Shut up. Zetsu eats people. When he's hungry he's testy. When he's testy and hungry, he'll try to eat anything in his path that's living, un. That includes us Akatsuki members."

"Hidan's been slacking off on his sacrifices. Sorry," Zetsu replied.

"Now, Orochimaru left a while ago and I never liked him. He's just an annoying pedophile, un. Konan and Pein are the only two I don't mind. In short, everyone in Akatsuki is annoying except for Pein and Konan and they make daily living hell. Maybe Sasori danna can better explain things, un," Deidara said as he made his way towards his old partner and gave him the microphone.

"Good luck with the crowd of idiots," Deidara mumbled to him.

"I don't need your luck. You just have no people skills whatsoever."

"Says the antisocial puppet," Deidara replied.

Sasori ignored his come back and walked to the stool in the front of the stage. He sat down and stared for a few moments. The crowd was still, and seemed to be waiting for him to speak. Sasori turned back to Deidara. "See, I'm already more of a hit with them than you were," he mumbled to him.

Deidara crossed his arms and pouted, remembering the comments people had made when he first came out about him looking like a girl.

"I forget! Did I mention Sasori's a real puppet!" he yelled at the crowd. A few moments later, the information seemed to set in and people were now asking each other perverted questions about Sasori.

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><p>Okay. I don't know how I feel about this first one. I'm going to try to incorporate more actual stories about their lives next time. This just popped into my mind, so I wanted to do it and see how it came out. I think this is overall good though. Reviews sound cool...<p> 


	2. Chapter 2:They always keep me waiting

A/N:This is Sasori's chapter. I think it's short, but I had a hard time working with him. I think the next chapter is going to be the the best. TOBI!not madara..If you like this story so far, then you should review. I would be happy if you did that c: you know..review

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><p>Chapter 2:They always keep me waiting<p>

Sasori stared into the crowd of people muttering personal questions about him to each other. "I guess this isn't going to be as easy as I thought," Sasori whispered to himself.

"Tell us Sasori. Do you even have a dick?" Hidan asked through his giggles. "You can't feel fucking anything anyway so why the fuck should it matter if you have one? Unless you let Deidara borrow it, that is!"

"Everybody shut up so Sasori danna can tell you he doesn't use his damn wooden penis on me!" Deidara yelled in annoyance.

The room went quiet as everyone remembered Deidara blowing up the man in the front row. Zetsu remembered and frowned unhappily. "That could have been my brunch," he said to himself quietly.

"I do not use a wooden penis to fuck Deidara," Sasori stated blankly. The crowd stared. Tobi and Hidan were chuckling.

"The only reason I have a penis at all is so I can be somewhat like a real man. It's only there for comfort reasons, being as I don't have to eat or drink. Therefore there's nothing inside me that needs to come out," Sasori explained to the crowd of people who seemed to not want to know what they were just told. Tobi and Hidan snickered loudly.

"So I've made it clear that I have a penis, but I do not let Deidara use it. Neither of us are gay and he is not a woman as some of you like to think," Sasori said, staring into space.

The crowd stood still as they watched Sasori's gaze raise higher and higher. His head went back so far that it looked as though it would be ripped out of place if he forced it any farther back. "Sasori senpai! Your head will fall off if you look up any higher!" Tobi yelled and jumped from his stool to run to Sasori's side.

Tobi grabbed Sasori's head and pushed it back up to a normal position. Sasori looked at Tobi. "Thank you Tobi," he started. Then he looked at the crowd. "I zone out sometimes, sorry," he stated bluntly.

"What the fuck," Hidan said with his mouth slightly open.

"I'm not sure why exactly, but lately, my neck has been bothering me. I'll feel something inside pulling my head upwards and then I zone out. Please excuse me," Sasori said, "but I can't fix something in my neck easily because I can't see it without a mirror."

"Why does it do that, Sasori?" Tobi asked, sounding excited to hear an answer.

"Deidara tried to blow me up," he stated bluntly again.

The crowd started to look bored again, just as they had with Deidara. Just then Deidara yelled "Art is an explosion!" at Sasori.

"Now I will do what I'm here for. I will explain why I hate living with Akatsuki. To start, they are constantly trying to catch me naked just to see if I have a penis," Sasori started. "About a week ago I was in my special bathroom taking a shower. I don't take normal showers, you see."

"Ooh, what do you use? Lady hair products? I know I do!" Tobi said, still standing beside Sasori.

"Tobi, sit down," Sasori told the idiot lollipop. Tobi sulked his way back to his seat.

"Why do you use women's hair products?" Pein asked Tobi.

"They make Tobi's hair softer!" Tobi yelled.

"Where exactly do you get those products?" Konan asked him.

Tobi stared at her for a moment. "The store," he said guiltily.

"Tobi, I would appreciate it if you stopped stealing my shampoo and conditioner," Konan said to him calmly.

"Tobi is sorry!" he yelled. "Tobi's a good boy!"

Sasori shook his head in annoyance and covered his face with a hand. "Shut up!" he said sternly.

"Tobi's a good boy!" Tobi yelled one more time before he stopped talking.

"Now back to what I was saying. I bathe in wood polish," Sasori said, and the crowd stared at him.

"This is because I like to make sure I look perfect for a thousand years," he said again.

Loud laughing was heard from Deidara. "Danna thinks he's art! HAHAH!" he yelled before grabbing his stomach in pain from laughing so hard.

"Shut it, bitch," Sasori told him, causing the crowd to start whispering again.

"As I was saying, I was in my special bathroom taking a polisher shower and my door was blown off the hinges. In walks Tobi and Deidara, and back, my shower curtain was pulled. They saw that I do indeed have a wooden penis," Sasori said quietly into the microphone.

The crowd stared. "I don't think we need to hear all of these things," a young woman said to him from the second row.

"Shut it, bitch," Sasori told her. There was an awkward pause. "Sorry. I don't like to be interrupted, or be kept waiting."

"It's true! Sasori doesn't like to be kept waiting! He likes to do things on his own time!" Tobi yelled.

"We don't need an interruption from you every minute Tobi. Stay quiet." There was another pause. "Now, I want to explain why living with these numb nuts sucks. To start, Deidara likes to blow things up. I'm constantly losing pieces for my puppets or whole puppets to his childish play," Sasori started.

"I live in a room with my puppets, no one else. I'm the only one in our group that gets to have a room to myself. Every time somebody wants to get away from their partner, they come to me thinking I'll let them sleep in my room."

"Leader! Why the hell does this dickless bitch get his own room?" Hidan yelled.

"Apparently he has a dick, Hidan," Pein started. "And he gets his own room because he doesn't annoy me."

"Wait! Why do I have to live with the cannibal? Sasori is made of wood so he isn't at risk of being eaten," Orochimaru said.

"I don't like you Orochimaru. You're a mindless, idiotic, perverted snake," Pein said. "Therefore you room with the one who could possibly make you disappear forever."

"That's a bit harsh," white Zetsu said as Orochimaru scowled at the leader. "Does that mean I can eat him?" black Zetsu asked excitedly.

Pein looked away from Zetsu, but before he turned all the way, he caught the other man's eye. He gave Zetsu a look saying "oh please! Kill him already!"

"Quit interrupting me!" Sasori almost yelled. "As I was saying, I hate when they all come to me to get away from their Akatsuki partners."

"Deidara senpai goes to your room a lot, Sasori. Why is that," Tobi asked innocently.

"Because I hate you," Deidara said matter of factly.

Tobi slunk down on his seat before Sasori started to talk again. "I will now explain why I dislike living with Deidara. First, he doesn't know what art is. He thinks catching things on fire from an explosion is worth calling art. He also thinks that following me around is fun." Sasori stopped talking and started staring into space again.

"Oh no! Sasori senpai is going to make his head fall off!" Tobi said before running to Sasori and placing his head back in a normal position again.

"Thank you Tobi," Sasori told him. "Now, Deidara follows me around too much. He fights with me about art all the time, yet he seems to enjoy my company."

"Tobi likes to follow you too!" Tobi yelled at Sasori.

"Yes, I also dislike you for that. Tobi is loud and too energetic. I am an old puppet and I can't take him for more than an excess of 2 hours. He dresses terribly and he apparently washes his hair with Konan's stolen hair products."

"They make my hair soft!" Tobi whined.

"Sit down Tobi," Pein said.

"But I don't want Sasori's head to fall off," Tobi said.

"I don't care. Let him stay. I'll be done soon. Now I hate Hidan with a burning passion. He hates me because I would be unable to hurt myself to sacrifice to Jashin, so he can't bother me to join his religion. He constantly yells at me for being wooden."

"Fucking Jashin damn you!" Hidan yelled at Sasori.

Sasori continued like nothing had been said. "I also dislike living with Kakuzu because he is a cheap ass. Zetsu doesn't bother me. Neither do Pein or Konan. They are actually friends to me, you could say. But I hate Orochimaru."

"Why does everyone hate me so much?" Orochimaru asked the group.

"Because you're a pedophile. Orochimaru likes to send a tiny snake under my bathroom door sometimes to open my door. I can't even say how many times he's attempted to violate me in the shower. It's not like I would feel anything, but that's gross," Sasori said.

"I do not!" Orochimaru lied.

"You do it to all of us, even me," Pein said him wrong.

Orochimaru crossed his arms. "This isn't fair! You always make me out to be the bad guy!"

"That's because you are, Oro!" Tobi yelled. "Luckily Deidara senpai told me not to let you take my cloak off! Otherwise he said you would do something called rape me! He said you would-"

"That's enough Tobi!" Deidara yelled at him. Tobi shut up. "Rape is bad. That's all you need to say."

"Yes, Orochimaru is a rapist and I really wish he wasn't in this damn organization. Pein kicked him out already, but for some reason he's still here," Sasori said.

"I wish he would stop trying to rape all of us," Kakuzu said sadly. "I can't go one night without thinking he might touch me inappropriately or maybe even kill me," he said.

"Kakuzu, you fucktard! You have five hearts and a different chakra nature for most of the damn things. You could beat Oro to hell any day, even in you fucking sleep," Hidan told his partner. "Plus I'm there, and any time he tries something funny, I'll sacrifice him to lord Jashin!"

"O-kay then," Kakuzu said, who was confused why Hidan would be acting nice to him.

"Don't take the shit personally, numb nuts. I hate Orochimaru just as much as you do," Hidan answered Kakuzu's confused look.

This whole time the crowd watched in amusement. They couldn't wait to hear Orochimaru talk now. He must have some fun things to say about the other Akatsuki.

"I'm sick of these interruptions! You all make me wait too long! Every damn time I ever went on a mission with Deidara he was always late in finishing the job!" Sasori yelled.

"Well, sor-ry danna," Deidara mocked him.

"Shut it, bitch," Sasori yelled yet again.

"Shut up you stupid ass whole!" Deidara yelled at him. "I will fucking blow your wooden ass up!"

"Jeez senpai, you sound really mad..." Tobi started.

"You sound really annoying!" Deidara yelled at him.

"Shut the fuck up!" Hidan yelled.

"I'll eat you," black Zetsu said to Hidan.

"Try it, you fucking bipolar plant!" Hidan yelled, jumping from his seat, scythe ready to slice the plant man to bits.

"Sit down Hidan, and everyone shut up," Pein said as calmly as he could.

The crowd looked scarred. They would never forget this day, by the time it was over. Most of the people looked like they wanted to leave since the air in the room had become filled with anger. Pein sensed the crowd's uneasiness and decided it was time for Sasori to finish up. "Sasori, hurry and finish so..." Pein looked at the next in line to speak.

It was Tobi. He was sitting on his stool rocking it back and forth, far enough to knock it over and bust his face or ass. His head was swinging side to side and he was humming happily. _How does he spring back from insults so fast_? Pein thought to himself.

"Umm...nevermind. Take your time," Pein concluded.

"Okay, as I was saying Orochimaru is a pervert. When we had our meetings before, he used to stare at Itachi a lot. He wound up asking him for his body one day, and I guess Itachi probably thought he wanted to fuck him." Sasori paused for the information to confuse everyone in the crowd. He smirked. "Orochimaru wanted to steal Itachi's body for his own, since he changes bodies every few years, but don't ask me why," Sasori continued.

"When Kisame found out that Orochimaru tried to steal his partner, he almost broke Oro's neck, literally. He seriously pushed him down the stairs to our basement," Sasori concluded.

"Until I started talking about Orochimaru I totally forgot about Itachi and Kisame, but I don't mind them. They both leave me to myself, so we're good," Sasori said.

Sasori stared at the crowd. The crowd stared at Sasori with a pained expression. Suddenly there was a yell from the third row. "Are we allowed to leave?" a teen girl asked sounding exasperated.

There was a boom and then a flash of flames. The girl was killed in an explosion, but her body wasn't destroyed or crisped black. Zetsu stared at the cooked body as others stared at it in horror. Saliva started to leak out of the cannibal's mouth.

"Why, Deidara?" was all Pein could say through the hand that was covering his face in shame.

"I'm sick of this crowd looking so bored. At least they have expression whenever I blow one of them up!" Deidara replied proudly.

The room went deathly silent again. "That looks really tasty," white Zetsu caved into black Zetsu.

"Let's eat it," black Zetsu said before he jumped off of the stool to grab his brunch before anyone else got to it. He jumped off the stage and ran through the seats of people. Grabbing the girl and turning, he ran up onto the stage again. He looked at the crowd, who stared back in horror, before he ran backstage and dug into his meal.

"Well, I guess I'm done," Sasori said, sounding disappointed. "I didn't really get my point across. I didn't want to sound like Deidara when I spoke to you all."

"What was so bad about what I had to say?" Deidara asked annoyed.

Sasori just sighed and walked to Tobi's stool. Tobi was still rocking on his seat until Sasori held the microphone out to him. Without warning, Tobi jumped from his stool and attacked Sasori, wrapping his arms around his neck and legs around his waist. Or...hugged him, actually. Sasori started to pry Tobi off of his body.

"Thank you Sasori! It's my turn!" Tobi said as he held onto the red head.

"Get the hell off," Sasori muttered to him.

Tobi instantly let go and dropped straight down onto the ground, landing flat on his butt. "Sorry Sasori!" he yelped before yanking the microphone out of Sasori's hands.

"Tobi, please don't overdo it," Sasori said, exasperated.

"What'dya mean?" he asked innocently.

"He means just be yourself, completely," Deidara whispered to him.

"Okay! Don't worry Sasori! I'll do that!" Tobi yelled into the microphone, making his voice ring throughout the room. The other Akatsuki flinched at the sound of his voice being so loud.

"What did you tell him, Deidara?" Sasori asked.

"Nothing," he said innocently.

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><p>Well then. There's Sasori's chapter. I don't think this part is that great. There's a lot of interruptions hehehe. If you liked it though, you should review! It'll make me happy c: Next chapter will be fun since it's Tobi :)<p> 


	3. Chapter 3:Tobi's a good boy!

A/N:Tobi's turn! Not sure how I did on this since it's Tobi. Helpful feedback would..help me haha :) Review if you liked or have any kind of advice for me!

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><p>Chapter 3:Tobi's a good boy!<p>

Tobi skipped to the front of the stage where he sat on the stool and stared at the crowd for a moment. Everyone looked as though they were looking forward to listening to him. He seemed less threatening than the other members were.

"Hiiiiii! My name's Tobi!" Tobi yelled excitedly at the crowd.

"They know your name," Deidara told him sounding annoyed already.

"Deidara senpai doesn't seem to like me all the time, but I always love him," Tobi started already.

"I hate you, bastard," Deidara whispered to himself.

"Sasori senpai also doesn't like me very much. He thinks I'm annoying," Tobi said as the crowd started to look sad for him.

"I don't think Sasori got his point across when he said he doesn't like to be kept waiting," Tobi said.

"That's because this crowd didn't want to hear it," Sasori told him quietly.

"But the crowd likes Tobi! Tobi's a good boy! So now I will explain Sasori."

"Oh god," Sasori whispered to himself.

"Now, Sasori really doesn't like to wait. He hurt me one time when I was late to an Akatsuki meeting. I was only 10 minutes late. It wasn't that bad, because Tobi's a good boy," Tobi said.

"He's going to tell them about the time!" Sasori started freaking out next to Deidara.

Deidara burst out laughing. "Ohh ho ho! That one time! This'll be great!" he whispered to Sasori.

"See, Sasori had to meet one of his spies and he also didn't want to keep him waiting. When I kept Sasori waiting the spy had to wait! So after Sasori's two meetings, he punished Tobi!" Tobi yelled out loudly in the microphone, making everyone in the room jump.

"No Tobi! Don't say it!" Sasori yelled at him. "I shouldn't have done it! I didn't mean it! I said sorry!"

"Senpai, please keep your boy toy quiet! We are supposed to talk about our lives in the Akatsuki! This is part of my life. Now quiet!" Tobi said loudly again.

Deidara scowled at him.

"That time Tobi was late, Sasori beat me when he got home," Tobi started, earning gasps from the crowd and glares from Sasori and Deidara. The other members where containing their laughter, remembering that day.

Tobi continued with the story. "Senpai just stood by the door to our room and watched! The other members were watching too, but they were laughing. Senpai looked bored," Tobi said. "Sasori used his leg to beat me. He ripped it off and bent me over my bed. It was horrible when he started to hit me."

The other members burst out laughing as the crowd stared at Tobi in horror. "How could anybody do that to someone as innocent and cute as you?" a lady yelled from the back of the group.

"This guy's not as cute and innocent as he looks!" Deidara yelled back at them. "Try living with him for more than a day and see what happens!"

"Shame on you!" yelled an old lady that stood up from the front row and tried to make her way on to the stage to beat Deidara with her cane.

"No," Tobi told her, forcing her to stay down. "They have no mercy," he said to her. The old hag walked back to her seat and sat down, furiously cursing Deidara and Sasori under her breath.

"Sasori said sorry to me the next day after he beat me. I made him over an hour late for his meeting with the spy, after all! I guess I deserved it..." Tobi said.

"You didn't deserve it!" yelled the women in the back again.

"Tobi did. But senpai told me that he could have done something worse to me than that! He told me I was lucky Sasori didn't rape me because he was mad!" Tobi yelled, earning a shudder from everyone in the room.

"Moving on," he said. "I must say that Hidan and Kakuzu are a weird bunch. Hidan always tries to use Tobi as a sacrifice or as part of his creepy rituals. Lucky Kakuzu always stops him," Tobi said.

"My rituals are not weird, you little shit!" Hidan growled at him.

"They are, Hidan. And so is your entire religion," Itachi told him.

"Says the damned family killer," Hidan said to Itachi.

Itachi didn't say anything back, so Tobi started to talk again. "Kakuzu is a cheap bastard, as Deidara senpai says. He never gives me money to buy any candy!" he yelled.

"No sane person would give you money to buy candy," Kisame said. "Your hyper enough without it."

"But Tobi likes candy!" Tobi yelled and started sniffling.

Hearing her favorite Akatsuki member sniffling, the old lady at the front of the crowd pulled a piece of candy out of her bag and threw it at Tobi. "Eat this. It's tasty," the old woman told him.

Tobi quickly picked the candy up, unwrapped it, and put it in his mouth while hiding his face, knowing what was about to happen. Every member of Akatsuki jumped off of their stools and dove at Tobi to try and pry his mouth open, but he wouldn't let them under his mask.

"You dumb bitch! Wait and see what you did, fucker!" Hidan yelled at the old woman, who happened to only be a few feet away from the stage. The lady got out of her seat and thumped Hidan over the head with her cane, causing a bump and bruise on contact.

"It's no use now!" Pein yelled. "Everybody get back!"

All the members of Akatsuki ran back stage and tried to find something to use as a shield. Crunching was heard from behind the mask Tobi wore. There was a loud gulping noise as he swallowed the candy.

Every Akatsuki member shuddered as they heard the familiar humming coming from the back of the masked man's throat. "Here it comes," Hidan said, sounding a little scared. Kakuzu shuddered again.

Tobi's humming noise got louder and louder, until finally it stopped. Less than a second later, a joy filled, crazy laugh erupted from his throat. "Ohh! That was good!"

The old lady scowled at the other members who were acting as though Tobi could be the death of them. Before she could say that Tobi was even cuter when he had candy, Tobi jumped off the stage and tackled the lady out of her chair. "THANK YOU FOR THE CANDY!" he screamed. The woman stared at him in horror as he picked her off the ground and started shaking her in a hug. The rest of the crowd also stared, no one wanting to try to separate Tobi from the woman.

Fortunately Pein had planned on this after the mention of candy and had told Kisame what to do if it happened. Kisame was to pry Tobi off the woman and drag him off stage to do whatever he had to so Tobi would calm down. Fish boy wasn't looking forward to doing this, but if leader said to do it, he should do it to stay out of trouble.

As Kisame was coming out of his hiding place, Zetsu walked back on stage from hiding to eat his "meal." Unfortunately for him, Tobi was done bear hugging the old lady and saw his pal returning. "ZESTU! Come over here! I have something to tell you!" Tobi screamed, opening his arms as to hug him.

"Oh my God. Someone gave him candy," Zetsu said blankly as he ran backstage to hide.

"Zetsu! Don't run away! I have to tell you something!" Tobi screamed after him. He wasn't using the microphone at the moment, to the audiences luck, but he could be heard throughout the entire room as though he was using it.

Tobi realized Zetsu wasn't coming back so he picked up the microphone from beside the stool. Then he climbed up onto his stool to stand on the seat of it. "I guess I'll just tell you from here," Tobi said into the microphone.

Meanwhile, the Akatsuki were in their hiding places, whispering to each other. "Why does he act so weird when he has candy? He doesn't act like this when he has anything else with a lot of sugar," Kisame said to Itachi.

"I don't think it's the sugar. It's probably just the thought of having something that "tastes so good," as he says," Itachi replied.

Kisame nodded. "I'm just glad he let go of that woman before I had to go out there," he said, shivering at the thought. "He acts like an out of control, happy version of a drunk," he added.

Tobi lifted his mask slightly and stuck the microphone under it. He spread his arms wide, mask holding the microphone in place, and sucked in a deep breath.

Itachi shrunk farther under the serving table he was hiding under and clutched at the table cloth. "Here it comes," he said covering his ears. Kisame and the rest of the Akatsuki did the same.

"Tobi has a secret to tell everyone," Tobi whispered, holding his large breath in.

"Shit! This better not involve me," Deidara said to Sasori.

"I have to say..." Tobi said, still holding in his breath. "DEIDARA SENPAI LIKES TO TRY TO BLOW ME UP WHEN HE GETS MAD AND SASORI SENPAI TRIES TO MAKE ME INTO A PUPPET EVERY COUPLE DAYS AND KISAME SENPAI IS NICE TO ME AND HE HELPS ME AND TEACHES ME THINGS AND ITACHI IS QUIET BUT HE LIKES TOBI AND TOBI LIKES HIM AND HIDAN SCARES ME BECAUSE HE TRIES TO USE ME IN RITUALS AND HE CARRIES A BIG SCYTHE AND KAKUZU LIKES MONEY AND DOESN'T LET TOBI USE IT SO I DON'T GET CANDY AND ZETSU THINKS TOBI'S A GOOD BOY AND PEIN IS QUIET AND NICE TO ME AND KONAN IS GOOD TO TOBI TOO BUT TOBI NEVER LIKED OROCHIMARU BECAUSE EVERYONE SAYS HE'LL TRY TO RAPE TOBI SO I STAY AWAY FROM HIM!" Tobi yelled in only one breath.

Everyone in the room looked shaken up and were holding their ears from the outburst that was heard unnecessarily through a microphone. This guy didn't seem to be as innocent as they thought anymore. He really was as destructive and annoying as the other members had been trying to get at.

Tobi's arms were still spread, the microphone still inside his mask. "I would like to say that I love everybody in Akatsuki. I even made brownies for them a few days ago. They didn't eat them though. They said they wouldn't taste good since I'm too dumb to read a recipe," Tobi said happily.

Pein sighed in relief. "Good. It's over."

"At least it was only one piece," Konan started. "Imagine what would have happened if it had been three or four like last time."

"Let's just be glad it didn't come to that," Pein said as he got out from under the chair he was using to hide.

The other members were coming out of hiding too, each slowly making their way back onto the stage. Tobi was inching his way back off of the high stool, trying not to fall off of the seat. Each of the members eventually made it back to their seats and sat back down.

"I like candy," Tobi said as he was pulling the microphone out from under his mask. "I guess the other members don't like it when Tobi has candy because candy is awesome," he said.

"That makes sense," Deidara said sarcastically while rolling his eyes at the masked moron.

Tobi started to pace the floor like Deidara had done. "I don't want to talk about candy, since I'm not going to get any more until I can manage to sneak out more of Kakuzu's money," Tobi said earning a glare and growl from Kakuzu.

"I steal his money all the time. Hidan helps me sometimes," Tobi said. Kakuzu gave Hidan a death glare.

"You do WHAT?" he yelled at Tobi and his Akatsuki partner.

"Take your money so we can indulge ourselves in things we like!" Tobi yelled, waving his arms around excitedly.

Kakuzu's eyebrows creased in anger as he began to shake. "You, steal my money? The money, that I, earn?" Kakuzu screamed.

"Yep!" Tobi replied happily.

"I help make that fucking money!" Hidan yelled at his partner. "I'm the one that fucking sacrifices the damned people with the big bounties! It's my fault they even get captured, dumb shit!" he screamed.

"I used to make just as much money by myself as I do now with you," Kakuzu said, looking away from the two idiots that steal his precious money before he got the urge to break their necks. Hidan would survive and like the pain, and Tobi would probably just use his technique that makes him untouchable, literally.

_No, I don't want to be hated by this crowd before I even go up to speak,_ Kakuzu thought.

"I also like to do things with Kisame and Itachi and Pein and Konan," Tobi said. "I like to swim in our pool with Kisame, even though he likes to bite me and drag me and wrestle me underwater like he's a shark." Kisame coughed, embarrassed and nervous.

"I like to paint Itachi's nails sometimes, when I get bored," Tobi said.

"He gets bored?" someone in the crowd whispered to another.

"Itachi sometimes lets me do his hair and makeup! It's fun," Tobi said, Itachi's eyes opening a little wide. The other members were chuckling at Tobi's stupidity. Now no one would take Itachi seriously for a while after hearing that he bonds with Tobi by letting him use him as a practice dummy for cosmetology.

"Pein likes to help me cook stuff. He likes to bake sweet things and he secretly cooks most of our dinners," Tobi said. Pein's eyes narrowed. "Everyone thinks Konan cooks, but she likes to do origami," Tobi added.

The crowd and members were all chuckling at Tobi's spilling everyone's personal secrets. "Konan is the most normal of all the Akatsuki. She likes to teach me how to do origami! I like it!" Tobi said and started to dance happily.

"That's because Tobi's a good boy," Zetsu said randomly.

"Oh! Zetsu! Zetsu likes to eat people! He asks me to help him sometimes but Hidan is here for that! I don't eat people and I don't kill them for fun like Hidan," Tobi said.

"It's for religion," Hidan said.

"Sure it is," Tobi replied. Hidan scowled at him. There was a pause.

"I have to pee," Tobi said nervously and quietly into the microphone. "It's Kakuzu's turn," he said as he pee walked over to Kakuzu's stool and threw the microphone at him as he hurriedly ran backstage to use the bathroom.

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><p>I hope you like..yes yes haha. Tobi is funny and I'm not sure I caught grasp of his epicness completely with this. I don't know...if you liked then reviews are acceptable..hehe :)<p> 


	4. Chapter 4:They destroy my money!

A/N:I think this turned out okay. I started this a while ago and just finished it at least 2 weeks after I started, so it's a little short and might be a little all over the place. (School is taking literally every minute of my life)I hope you like. If you do, review please :)

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><p>Chapter 4:They destroy my money!<p>

Kakuzu turned the microphone upwards so he could speak into it. _This is going to suck ass,_ he thought before raising the microphone to his mouth and walking to the front of the stage where he sat on the stool and glared at the audience.

"To start, I would like to say that this was a terrible idea and Pein obviously didn't think this through clearly," Kakuzu started. "He probably just thought it would be a fun show for anyone that came to watch. But, I think it's turning into a scarier show with each person that speaks," Kakuzu continued. "I hope that I can keep you interested for a while so this weird ass over here has to wait longer to speak," he said pointing to Hidan.

"Dickhead," Hidan muttered at his partner. _I'm gonna give 'em hell when I get up there,_ he thought happily.

Kakuzu wrapped his legs around the stool's legs and continued talking. "Well...my name is Kakuzu as you already know. I'm over 90 years old and I have cool tentacles," he said as the audience watched. "I also have five hearts, so I'm not easily killed."

The crowd stared at the man like he was crazy. "He did say he's over 90 years old. Maybe that's why," a young girl was telling another. They were obviously talking about him "thinking" he had five hearts. Kakuzu twitched a little when he heard this. He decided to ignore it instead of being an idiot like the other three.

"I hate living with these crazy bastards...usually," Kakuzu said. "Deidara always blows my shit up, Tobi bothers me to buy him candy and if I don't give him money he steals it," Kakuzu said, remembering what Tobi had said before, "and Sasori seems to like to torture me."

Sasori smiled to himself. The word "torture" fit perfectly with some of the things he had done to Kakuzu in the past. He wouldn't have cared if someone had done the things to him, but Kakuzu was crazy for his money, and Sasori used it against him all the time.

"Every damn time someone in this group wants to play a game it's something like truth or dare, or some kind of weird version of a child's board game. And it never ends well for me," Kakuzu stated bluntly.

Sasori smiled wider than before. Hidan grinned also, followed by a grin from Deidara, Kisame, Konan, and Tobi, even though it was hidden behind his mask. Pein didn't want to have to hear about those terrifying events, considering the memories they would bring along. Itachi just wasn't in the mood to smirk at the thoughts of those games the Akatsuki played when they were in desperate need of some entertainment. Orochimaru had no idea what they were talking about, so he just sat and waited to hear something about the games.

The audience members were remembering what had happened when Deidara lit a tiny amount of money on fire to get to Kakuzu. If the games had anything to do with that, then the stories would be great. Kakuzu frowned sadly, half of the frown seen since some of the cloth over his face was burnt off by Deidara's explosion, showing the thick, black stitches that covered his mouth.

"The game truth or dare almost always comes up in suggestions on what to do. Every person in this group has a weakness during the game," Kakuzu said. "Examples would be Sasori being a puppet, Deidara looking like a woman and having mouths in his hands, Tobi...he doesn't seem to have one. Hidan and his religion, Konan and her...woman-ness," Kakuzu said and Konan started to frown. It wasn't easy living with a bunch of boys with absolutely no girls around other than her.

Kakuzu continued. "Kisame and his sharkish looks, Itachi and his seriousness, Pein and his bossiness, Orochimaru and his perverted mind, and last, me and my love for my money." The crowd gazed at Kakuzu, eager to hear about the games they liked to play in Akatsuki.

"Every time I decide to join in on those truth or dare games, someone dares me to do something destructive to my money. I try to stay away from dares, but someone always says that I can only choose truth so many times in a row. Which means I'm forced into a dare," Kakuzu said, trying to ignore the emotional pain he was feeling from remembering some of those fateful days.

The grins of the other members widened farther. "Every blasted time I am forced into choosing dare, my money is either blown up or caught on fire, sometimes by my own hand, shredded, ground up, mixed into the punishment drink for the game, and on rare occasions has been pissed on by one of us drunk members," Kakuzu said, fighting back tears. "I've lost at least 800 dollars within the last 4 games."

The crowd gasped. 800 dollars was a lot of money in these times. It must be hard on the poor guy to have to watch his money be destroyed so mercilessly. No wonder the man seemed so weird...

"800 dollars is a lot of money! That 800 was special in my bank of 956,000!" Kakuzu wailed, tears flying out of his eyeballs now.

The audience stopped feeling sorry for the idiotic member when they heard how much money he had. How could 800 dollars mean so much to a man with almost a million! Faces of the audience switched from sympathetic to angry as they thought of how ungrateful Kakuzu was.

"800 is nothing when you have as much money as you do, Kakuzu," Hidan said as he slumped over in his chair, actually a little embarrassed by being his partner. It was disgusting, even to Hidan since he never got any, that Kakuzu kept all of his money to himself. Like some weird collection or something.

"The hell if it isn't!" Kakuzu turned and yelled at Hidan while holding a huge stack of money by his face in comfort.

"Damn this guy's pathetic," Orochimaru said to Pein, and Pein nodded his agreement. Kakuzu didn't hear, so he went on with his stupid talking.

"I love money more than I've ever loved anything else in this world," Kakuzu said. He had regained composure and put his money back under his huge cloak.

"What about Spar-" Hidan started.

"I SAID WHE'D NEVER SPEAK THAT NAME AGAIN!" Kakuzu yelled at Hidan. "NEVER MENTION THE NAME!" he sobbed out.

"Sorry. You mean the name SPARKNUTS!" Hidan yelled out loudly.

Kakuzu burst into tears at the name. His body shuddered uncontrollably for a few minutes while everyone watched him with pity. Served him right, whatever was making him cry. He was a greedy bastard anyway.

After a few minutes, Kakuzu's cries slowed and he started talking again. "Hidan, you're going to die after we're done here."

"I can't die, dickhead," Hidan stated bluntly, uninterested.

"I'll manage somehow," Kakuzu said, then looked at the audience. "Sparknuts was my dog," he said, earning a chuckle from many of the audience and Akatsuki.

"Don't laugh!" he yelled. "Sparknuts was the best dog a man could ask for. First, I found him, so he was free! And he was loyal and smart and he liked to help me get bounties!" The audience was watching intently, waiting to hear why he was so upset when the name was mentioned.

"I found Sparknuts in a forest one day, somewhere near some tiny village. He was in the middle of chasing a squirrel when I found him. He tripped me while he was running after it, so I decided to watch the outcome of the chase," Kakuzu started. "Sparknuts was coming in close on the squirrel's tail, and eventually nipped it and then grabbed onto it with his perfect doggy teeth. I decided to keep him and name him Sparknuts since I found him while he was killing a squirrel and he was really fast." Kakuzu sounded a bit hysterical. "Me and Sparknuts went around for years collecting bounties and traveling, and he always found something new to kill on our travels," Kakuzu stated.

"I remember the horrible day like it was...last week. Sparknuts found something that was a bit too much for him to deal with. He found a snapping turtle in a creek we were stopping by to drink from. But it was a giant turtle! And it talked...said some mean things to me... The thing caught him by the nose and dragged him under, and I tried to save him but I couldn't fight the turtle. So Sparknuts was no more after that fateful rest stop," Kakuzu said, even more hysterical.

"You're a crazy lunatic, Kakuzu," Sasori stated. "Your little dog died when he tried to pick a fight with one of Deidara's clay birds."

"Just saying, I didn't do it," Deidara stated. "The one he happened to touch was a decorative one that explodes on contact with anything other than my flesh," he said.

"Why would you make something like that?" Itachi asked.

"To see who decided to touch my stuff," Deidara said. "The birds are mine. Don't touch them," he warned to the members and audience. Everyone took this comment into consideration, not wanting to be blown up in the near future.

"Sparknuts may not have actually been alive, but he was gone after he fought the turtle," Kakuzu sobbed.

"He didn't fight the turtle," Kisame stated. "You only wanted it to look like he was still alive to do that so you made him do it yourself, as with all the other "fights" he got into," he said. "It was for your own comfort."

"He was alive in my heart! All five of them that is! So that says a lot!" Kakuzu yelled.

By now the audience thought he was a total nutcase. First he was obsessed with money and couldn't stand the sight of even a dollar meeting an "untimely fate." Then he had a dog that he drug around with him even after it was already dead. Plus he made it do things that made it look alive for his own comfort. Yeah, Kakuzu was definitely crazy.

"Tobi didn't know Kakuzu had a doggy!" Tobi yelled loudly, sadness in his loud voice.

"No one was supposed to talk about it ever again after the turtle ate the damn thing," Pein stated, throwing a gaze at Hidan.

"Yeah, whatever," Hidan said. "This old geezer is a lunatic. I remember one time when we were going to the Sand Village to get a bounty, Kakuzu made the fucking dead dogs body into a weapon. He lifted the thing off the ground by its leash and swung it around to beat the dude we were killing. Of course, I finished him off, but that dog was a damn good thing to have around then," Hidan stated, earning weird looks from everyone in the room.

"Okay then, I think it's time someone else takes the microphone," Kisame said after there was a long pause.

"Sure, I don't want to talk anymore," Kakuzu said, thinking about all the great times he had with his precious Sparknuts.

"Damn, you're a pussy," Hidan said to Kakuzu as he took the microphone and Kakuzu sat back on his seat. Hidan stood up and walked to the front of the room and took a seat on the high stool. "Unlike this crazy bastard," he said, "I am dangerous, so you better not interrupt me when I talk."

Everyone in the audience stared at him, waiting to see what he had to say. They knew this next speaker would be interesting, to say the least. Maybe he would be a little less crazy than the last, or maybe he'd be even worse. Judging by all the cuss words he used, they were in for an earful. At least he seemed to have a lot to say. "This should be good," Deidara said to Sasori, who grinned in response.

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><p>I hope you like this...RIP Sparknuts...yeah that was just some name I thought of in like...1 and a half seconds haha. This was totally out of my mind random stuff. If you liked...Review please :) Updates will be sparce though since I'm in school now. But during breaks I'll write plenty so I can update more :)<p> 


	5. Chapter 5:I'll say FUCK whenever

A/N: So it's been forever and anyone who was following…sorry about that haha..but here we go with Hidan..haha have fun reading this one.

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><p>Chapter 5:I'll say FUCK whenever the fuck I feel like fucking saying FUCK!<p>

Hidan stared at the audience in front of him. They all looked pretty dumb to him. _Nothing important_, he thought to himself before breaking the dead silence of the room.

"You all look like a bunch of stupid fucks."

The audience stared at him as he pulled a cigarette out of a pocket in his cloak and continued to search through it. "Lost my light," he whispered with the cigarette between his lips.

He walked over to where Deidara was sitting and stared at him for a second. "Light it up, bitch," he muttered.

Deidara looked insulted. "What did you say?" he screamed at him before throwing a tiny clay bird at Hidan and watching it explode in his face. The explosion was so large that Hidan was thrown off of the stage and into the middle of the audience, crushing a few petite non-ninja women below him. A cloud of smoke surrounded his head, and as he got up and began to walk back to the stage, it started to clear, revealing a newly lit cigarette between his teeth.

"Oh my God," he heard a small man mutter and stare at him in horror as he strode past and up the stairs to the stage.

Hidan grunted. "What?" he asked sarcastically. "Haven't you ever seen the inside of a person's face before?" he added, knowing already what he looked like because of previous incidents with Deidara.

He turned his face towards the audience so they could get a good look at the damage. The stomachs of each individual were churning as they stared, horrified at the scene.

"How…how are you still _alive_?" the small man asked timidly.

Hidan made no reply. _It's just my face. Why are they making such a big fucking deal about it,_ he thought, starting to worry slightly. He could feel the pain on his face, but sometimes, if the damage was bad enough, he would be numbed for a while until the pain would suddenly rush on him.

He started searching his entire body, looking for a hole, missing appendages and such when he found what had been causing a fuss with the audience. The entire front of his cloak was gone, revealing a giant, gaping hole near his right shoulder and collarbone.

"Well fuck me," he said out loud into the microphone he was again standing in front of. "I thought that explosion was too damn big. Looks like my light must have been in the top pocket, not the bottom," he said to himself.

"How are you not dead?" the small man screamed up at him.

"I'M FUCKING IMMORTAL, BITCH!" Hidan screamed back at him, making the man shrink smaller than he already was. "Well, now I'll hurry and do this shit so Kakuzu can stitch me up. No interruptions or I'll kill your ass," he warned before starting. "So as you can see from-" he started.

"You should be dead!" a man in the front row screamed at him, shaking nervously. Hidan, in turn, grabbed the unharmed scythe off of his back, and in one swift motion, split the man in half at his waste while he was still sitting.

Multiple high pitched screams were heard around the room, and behind him, Hidan could hear Kakuzu grumbling, head down with his palm to his forward. "I said no interruptions," Hidan said again, silencing the entire audience.

He stared out into their terrified eyes, amused at how easily they could be manipulated. He smiled to himself. "I only wish I could have sacrificed him to Jashin."

"Just hurry up," Hidan heard the leader saying from his stool at the end of the line. He was obviously not enjoying the day any more than everybody else was. "I apologize for my follower's behavior," he added to the audience.

"Now you scared mother fuckers better listen now and listen good. I have no interest in doing this, but I'm being forced like everyone else following our leader," he said, clearly sounding exasperated.

"To begin, my fucking life sucks. These guys are constantly causing bad shit to happen to me. If I'm doing a ritual for Jashin that's one thing, but these guys are constantly making me fucking bleed for fucking nothing! That's a waste of perfectly good blood!" he screamed, making the audience flinch at his masochistic vibe.

"Fucking lunatic?" he screamed. "That's what they call me! But it's all for Jashin! These dumb fucks are sadists to me and none of them will admit to it!"

"Does it really matter?" asked Sasori coolly. "Get on with the interesting things."

Hidan turned around to look at him. "Well then. If you really give a fuck," he said and strode back to him. He stared at Sasori, eyes cold, for at least twenty seconds.

"What are you do_ING?_" Sasori screamed as Hidan was suddenly on the floor tugging at his pants. He had caught the wooden man off guard and there wasn't much Sasori could do to hold his pants on. His body was too smooth and the pants slid off with almost no effort on Hidan's part.

Sasori lashed out violently at Hidan to try to get the man to let go of them, but it was no use. Hidan jumped up from the floor and Sasori stood, trouser-less and exposed. He faced the audience.

Almost immediately, Hidan's booming laughter could be heard throughout the room as he stared at the poor puppet man. The rest of the Akatsuki soon joined in, along with the audience as they sensed it was okay since everyone else was.

"You must've forgot to put it back on after cleaning it!" Hidan yelled and howled with laughter.

Instead of having a wooden dick, there was just a flat, wooden surface with tiny metal hinges attached where it would have been. Sasori stared at the ground, clearly embarrassed, and then marched over to Hidan and tore his pants from his hands, which were loose because of the laughter. He put them back on and waited for the laughter to die out. Eventually it did, and all was once again quiet in the room.

Hidan walked back to the front of the stage, wiping tears away from his eyes. "I had to see for myself," he said, "and based on my observations, Sasori has been fucking Deidara's brains out for Jashin knows how long!" he yelled with a burst of laughter and more tears.

"Before any of you fuckers say anything," he said towards the Akatsuki members, "I know because my room is closest to Sasori's."

"That doesn't say anything!" Deidara yelled at him.

"I can fucking hear you guys!" Hidan countered. "I never knew what the fuck I was hearing before, but then I saw you run into his room a couple times, and then the sex noises commenced!" he yelled, once again bursting into uncontrollable laughter. "I fucking knew it," he said breathlessly through the laughs.

Deidara and Sasori had nothing much to say. Neither one seemed to know how to counter the evidence Hidan had stated. "Fuck you," was all Deidara could say.

Hidan slowly regained control. "So back to the point of this stupid circus show today. I fucking hate those two. All I can think of when I see them is gay sex." The audience stared, eyes wide.

"And Tobi goes right along with them, the annoying little shit," he sneered at Tobi.

Tobi raised his hand quickly before Hidan could look away. "Oohhh oohhh, Tobi has a question," he said, waving his hand around his head in a circle.

"What is it now, dipshit?" Hidan asked, annoyed already.

"What did you mean when you said Sasori was fucking Deidara and gay sex?" Tobi asked wonderingly.

Hidan smiled devilishly. "I meant Sasori and Dei-" he started but was cut off by Deidara as he put both of his hands over Tobi's still innocent ears.

"He doesn't even know what sex is!" he yelled _quietly_.

"Tobi can't hear anything!" Tobi was yelling.

"Whatever, I'll get him later then," Hidan said, turning back to the audience. Deidara let go of Tobi's ears.

"What I was saying about Tobi was," he said, and with almost no pause, added, "sex is whenever you want a lollipop!" towards Tobi.

"Oh fuck," Deidara said to himself, as he knew what was about to happen. _Pein is really gonna give it to Hidan after this, _he thought, happily knowing that he would be properly punished.

Tobi gasped loudly and stared, his one eye open wide. "You mean Tobi could just say he wants sex instead of saying I want a lollipop? It's so much quicker," Tobi said out loud to himself and then paused. "Then… _TOBI WANTS SEX! TOBI WANTS SEX! TOBI WANTS GOOD SEX RIGHT NOW! TOBI WANTS GOOD GAY SEX FROM DEIDARA LIKE HE SASORI!"_ he screamed at the top of his lungs.

Hidan burst out laughing again. Stifled laughter could be heard from other members while Deidara and Sasori groaned unhappily. The crowd was laughing at Tobi's innocence, while the old lady, who tried to beat Deidara with a cane and later gave Tobi candy, shamed Hidan for his insolence.

"Okay! Okay! This is really getting out of hand!" Pein shouted and stood, arms raised for silence. The room fell still, and Pein walked over to Hidan. "Finish it up, _now,_" he said sternly.

"Well….ummm…I hate everyone. Kakuzu is a bitch when he wants money, literally. He'll sell himself in so many ways, like advertising with his body or killing criminals who really don't even matter."

"Kisame is a stupid fish. He's sensitive to the sun and seems to enjoy running the water bill up, which causes trouble for me because it causes trouble with Kakuzu."

"Itachi killed his family and is a dumb fuck because he left his little brother alive for Jashin knows why. He is bossy and fucking annoying because he never talks and when he does its stupid."

"Zetsu eats my sacrifices, Orochimaru tries to rape everyone which causes trouble with Pein. Konan doesn't do shit unless she's PMSing or something. Pein is the leader and I don't have any other fucking shit to say," he finished as Pein started to drag him to the back of the stage.

"Now fix this shit," Hidan said to Kakuzu as he was pushed by him. Kakuzu got up unwillingly and followed the two back stage.

"Looks like it's finally my turn," the giant blue man with gills said loudly as he stood up and strutted to the front of the stage casually.

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><p>So I didn't update for forever. Anyone who likes it, please review or I might stop writing again :p I need some kind of motivation. Haha I appreciate you reading and thanks for the reviews.<p> 


	6. Chapter 6:I'm a person

Chapter 6: I'm a person

A/N: I haven't updated in forever again and don't know who will read but enjoy. I'll be updating more often starting with this chapter. Please review if you like or give some constructive criticism. Just remember this is a crack fiction.

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><p>"My name is Kisame Hoshigaki, rogue ninja from the Mist village. Pleased to see you're sunken faces," the blue man said to the audience. There wasn't a sound heard throughout the entire place, except a whiny two year old in the back who was crying something about the scary talking shark.<p>

Kisame waited for a moment until he heard what he was expecting. A scrawny looking Leaf ninja shouted from the crowd. "Are you a fish?!" Kisame just smiled his razor-toothed grin as he tried to think of the best way to reply. Of course he got this question all the time, and was constantly made fun of by the Akatsuki for the way he looked, but he didn't want to be rude to the fellow like he was to his teammates sometimes.

"Well, of course not. If I was a fish, would I have legs and be able to talk and breathe above water? No," Kisame answered.

"Then how come you have gils and weird crazy looking teeth and are blue?" the Leaf ninja asked.

"Well, it was just the way I was born," Kisame said simply.

The Leaf ninja did not asked another question, as clearly Kisame wasn't trying to answer to please. It was finally the blue man's turn to talk. He had been waiting for this moment for so long. Finally he could rant to some people who would actually listen, unlike the blind, emo, family-killer he dealt with every damn day.

Kisame never broke his smile. "I'll begin now," he said, then stared at the crowd awkwardly for a few seconds, waiting to see if anyone had any opposition. "To begin, I will explain what the Akatsuki is since nobody else seems to care to enlighten you." The audience again waited for a few awkward seconds. "The Akatsuki is an organization of elite rogue ninja who search for and kidnap jinchuriki to steal the tailed beasts inside of them. This is all for a purpose unknown to everybody but we still do it anyway because Pein tells us to," Kisame said as he continued to oddly stare at the audience. Nobody made a peep.

At least 15 seconds went by before Kisame continued. "I will now explain my life in the Akatsuki. I'll start with our relationships with each other. For the most part, _I_ get along well with everyone, but they don't try to get along with me. They all seem to think I'm just a stupid fish." Kisame stared at the audience again for another 15 seconds.

"Ummm, Kisame, what are you doing?" Sasori asked him from the stools behind.

"I'm pausing for effect," he whispered back, not breaking the look he had.

"It looks like you may be frightening some of the people. Maybe you should stop," Sasori said back.

"Yeah fish boy, it's getting pretty damn annoying, un," Kisame heard the blonde one say.

"Says you," Kisame answered aloud. He visibly shook his head. Everything that everyone else before him did was ok, even if it meant blowing a few people up, but as soon as he tries to make his turn special, he gets shit for it.

"Just get to the point, damn it," he heard Konan say.

_Oh, so now the bitch wants to get in this. Now it's on!_ Kisame thought.

"What did you say?!" Konan yelled. "Who's a bitch?!"

_Damn it, I must have thought out loud again,_ Kisame thought. _I should really stop doing that._

He heard Konan agree and guessed that he again thought out loud. "Whatever, now I'll just talk about my relationship with fellow Akatsuki members like everyone else did. Starting with the lovely *coughbitchycough*-"

"I heard that!" Konan yelled.

"-Konan!" Kisame continued as though she had said nothing. "She is the only member that I have problems with because she doesn't know how to keep her damn mouth shut. She always has her two cents to put into everything I do. However, I'm always right about the situation and she knows nothing. The only thing she's good at is sucking Pein's-"

"Kisame!"

The shark man heard his name coming from behind yet again. This time however, it was a deep, rumbly voice.

"Ohh! Leader, how's Hidan doing? Is he alright again?" Kisame asked quickly, trying to play off what he had just said about Pein's partner.

"Why don't you look for yourself," Pain scoffed at him. "I'll deal with you later."

"God dammit," Kisame said under his breath. Every time he tried to say something about or to Konan that wasn't positive or about her "undying beauty", the leader seemed to show up.

Hidan busted out laughing so hard his newly stitched wounds were torn open, causing Kakuzu to violently use his freaky tentacles to drag him backstage again. Pein silently strode back to his sitting place and covered his face. This day was going way worse than he had planned. "Continue, Kisame," the leader said.

"Well, leader is a great guy, killing all the jinchuriki for his cause. He's pretty quiet unless you get on his bad side. Then you get the divine punishment that I'm not going to tell you about," Kisame simply stated. At the mention of "divine punishment" all the Akatsuki members except Konan shuddered silently. They had all witnessed or been the victim of Pein's wrath before. It wasn't pretty, and sure as hell wasn't something these already scarred people needed to hear about.

"Kakuzu and Hidan are quite annoying fellows, always killing random people for bounties and then sacrificing them. I refuse to go on missions with them because of the amount of time they spend doing it. It's of key importance to get a mission done quickly, especially if Pein wants it done," Kisame said, again getting a shudder from Akatsuki at the sound of Pein's name.

"Um, excuse me," a short kunoichi from the Sand village said, raising her hand.

"Yes?" Kisame asked as he started smiling again, hoping she wasn't scared of him.

"Why is everyone suddenly so scared by the mention of the leader's name? Nobody had a problem before?" the girl asked.

"Well, that's probably because every member of the Akatsuki, other than Itachi and I, that is, is stupid and forgets that Pein does in fact punish us."

"Why won't you tell us the punishment? It can't be that bad…" the girl said.

"Nobody shall speak of the punishment!" Kisame shouted, eyes suddenly blazing with horror. The girl jumped back in her seat and shouted, obviously terrified by the ferocity in his eyes. "I mean, sorry, uh, on to the next member." Kisame tried to quickly recover, offering the girl a creepy smile. She slouched further in her seat, hiding behind the man in front of her.

"Uh, so Deidara and Sasori are like what Hidan said I guess. But, they are usually successful in their missions, so I like to go with them. Zetsu isn't bad, but doesn't really do much but eat people, uh, I mean, things that get in our way. Orochimaru was weird, and that's why I am Itachi's partner now."

"Fucking creep," Itachi randomly spit. Everyone looked at him, and he just continued staring at the ceiling like he wasn't being watched.

"Tobi is a good boy, and Itachi is amazing," Kisame finished.

"Kisame," Itachi said quietly. It sounded somewhat like a defensive warning.

The blue man looked at Itachi calmly, almost looking peaceful. He had something for the man that he had been wanting to give him for a long time. He hoped Itachi would love it.

Kisame looked back at the crowd, took a deep breath, and started talking again. "I have something for Itachi that I've wanted to say to him for a while now, but have been too scared to ever say it."

"Don't," Itachi warned, staring still. Snickers from Deidara and Sasori could be heard as the fish man reached into his coat and removed a slip of paper. Itachi turned to glare towards the giggling men. The giggling promptly stopped and a staring contest ensued.

"Here it goes," Kisame said, staring down at the paper all the while.

"Itachi,

I is for intriguing

T is for temptational

A is for amazing

C is for creational

H is for harmless

I is for intriguing."

Kisame continued to stare at the paper for moments. The audience was dead silent. Itachi's face crumpled up as though he was in an intense pain.

"You jackass," he said, breaking the silence.

Kisame looked up from the paper and towards Itachi, his face a mold of emotion. As he watched Itachi stare at Deidara and Sasori, who were laughing so hard the both fell off their stools.

"What have I done?" Kisame asked, confused.

"You…stupid…dickwad…" Itachi said to Kisame.

"What's wrong? All I did was write you a nice poem! It was just for you!" Kisame started to blubber as tears formed in his eyes.

"You…dumbass…"

"What?!" Kisame yelled again. "This poem took me two weeks to write, and this is how you repay me?!"

"You are so stupid," Itachi stated.

Kisame's eyes were bloodshot, anger looming in them. "Is this how you repay me for my kind thoughts?"

"Seriously? What the fuck does creational have to do with me? And you said intriguing twice. And…I'm…harmless?" Itachi asked sarcastically.

"You are to me," Kisame said lovingly.

"Am I now?" Itachi asked, quickly flipping his head in the direction of Kisame's voice. The two made eye contact, and Kisame dropped to the floor and started wiggling his body from side to side as though he was a fish wading through water.

"AHHHHHH! I love the great lakes. I love swimming through them with the other fishies! It reminds me of my home in the mist inside the old one's private pond!" Kisame was yelling.

A few moments later, Itachi's head twitched back and Kisame jumped off of the floor. He ran to the weasel's side, holding him up.

"This is how you repay me! Putting me in genjutsus and making me say things that aren't true. I'm a normal, weird looking person! I take care of your sick ass, I lead your blind ass around and make sure you don't run into things-"

"Actually, remember that carnivorous flamingo?" Itachi interrupted.

"That was an accident!" Kisame yelled back. "How was I supposed to know that animal wasn't as innocent as it looked?! I just thought it would be funny to see you confused whenever you ran into a giant winged creature!" Kisame continued.

"How would that be anywhere near funny?" Itachi blatantly asked.

"Obviously you don't know what the word funny means, you emo idiot!" Kisame yelled.

Suddenly, Kisame felt an overwhelming rush of emotion. His face went from angry to pained. He reached down to Itachi's hand, bloodied from holding his eye, and held it.

"I'm so sorry Itachi. I didn't mean anything. I love you partner. I'll always be here to hold you and help you and make sure you're safe and to lead you-"

"Kisame," Itachi said.

"Yes, Itachi?"

"Shut, the fuck, up," Itachi brought his hand up and smashed it against Kisame's jaw, "you embarrassing, shark, asshole."

Kisame's face contorted again into sorrow. "Itachi! You of all people know that I am a human! Clearly I'm a human!"

"Is that why the water bill is so high all the time?" a reentering Kakuzu asked.

"Or why you have gils?" an audience member asked, joining in on the fun.

"Or why you secretly have a fish tail inside the back of your pants?" Itachi asked.

Every single person in the room turned to Itachi.

"What the fuck did you just say?" Deidara asked.

"Fuck," Itachi whispered.

"Alright, alright! You're done Kisame. Itachi, let Zetsu go next. You two come backstage with me," Pein interrupted the chaos.

Kisame and Itachi gulped, both knowing what would happen and there was no point in arguing lest the punishment be worse. "But Pein, I'm clearly just a person, right?" Kisame asked.

"Just get the fuck back there!"

Kisame dropped the mic as he and Itachi made their way backstage while Zetsu walked to the front. He would make sure that his turn would go smoothly unlike the others. He really was one of the only normally functioning members.

"Oh God what the hell is that?" an audience member shouted as Zetsu picked up the microphone.

"What? Is there something on my face?"

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><p>AN: So this is the first time I've written in a while. It may not be up to par to anything I've written before, but nonetheless, I hope you enjoyed somewhat. Please review if you did.


	7. Chapter 7: I'm normal

Chapter 7: I'm normal

A/N: Already got another update. This chapter is interesting. I don't have anything to say except have fun reading and review if you liked.

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><p>"No! It's just you!" the man yelled.<p>

"What do you mean?" Zetsu asked the man.

"What's up with your head and face and stuff?!" the guy asked, horrified.

"I…don't…know…" Zetsu said, perplexed. "There's nothing wrong with me, just like there's nothing wrong with Kisame or Sasori."

"But you look like a plant, and half of you is black," he said.

"_**Shut the fuck up you little rat**__,"_ the black side of Zetsu said to the man.

"Oh. I get it. The white is the good and the black is the bad side!" The man said.

"_**Whoopdie fucking doo, smartass. Want a flesh cookie**__?_" black Zetsu said. "Sorry, just ignore that side if you can," white Zetsu added. "_**Fuck you**__,_" black said to white.

White Zetsu sighed. He had hoped that this would go smoothly, quickly, painlessly. But of course the evil half of him had to become a devil during his performance and verbally attack the audience. It was going to be very long for him. Black Zetsu was going to have some fun today.

"Why must you do this to me?" white said to black. No answer.

"Well then, I guess I'll start now. I currently have no partner in this organization, so I deal with each member on missions. I can actually split my body and make clones, so I can go on every mission if I want to," white Zetsu started.

"I would say it's a good thing, considering the fact that _**most of the people in this organization are stupid cuntbags**_," black Zetsu concluded.

"What the fuck Zetsu," Deidara said.

"That's hurtful, man," Orochimaru added.

"Shut the fuck up you creep," Deidara spat at Orochimaru.

"Oh my," Tobi said aloud. "Black Zetsu is going to be a bad boy today. But Tobi is always a good boy. Tobi is a good boy," he said happily.

"Tobi is a very _**horrible, stupid, idiotic, retarded, moronic**__-_" with every word Tobi's visible eye grew wetter and closed further.

"_**crazy cuntbad muff cabbage, shitload of a**_boy," Zetsu said.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"Tobi cried loudly as a cartoon style spout of water flew out of his mask.

"It's okay Tobi, I didn't mean it," white Zetsu said. "I think I've got the other side under control for now." Everyone turned from Tobi to Zetsu, who was standing half bent to the right side, holding the black side of his face tightly.

Pein came back on stage with ghost eyed Kisame and Itachi. He looked at the front of the stage, sighed, and face palmed. "How'd you break him this time?" Pein asked, referring to the sobbing Tobi who had a puddle surrounding his stool.

"My devilish half said he wasn't a good boy," Zetsu said.

"He said more than that," Deidara spoke up. "He called him a **horrible, stupid, idiotic, retarded, moronic, crazy cuntbag muff cabbage, shitload of a** boy," he specified, mocking the differences in each side of Zetsu's voice.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Tobi yelled after hearing it again.

"Tobi! Get backstage now!" Pein yelled and Tobi ran offstage crying. "You're all like children!"

Zetsu continued to stand awkwardly at the front of the stage. "You may carry on Zetsu," Pein said.

"Ok. So Tobi is a good boy but very sensitive. However, our fighting techniques mix well. So do mine and Deidara's if he chooses to cooperate," Zetsu said.

"Your style isn't art. I refuse to cooperate," Deidara stated.

"Me and Sasori never really got along too well because I always got to the dead bodies before he could make them into puppets," Zetsu said, making the audience cringe.

"I eat human flesh. It's not that big of a deal. It's a better way to dispose of bodies than burying them," he concluded.

"That's fucking disgusting," Sasori muttered. "Making them into summoning puppets is an even more useful way of body disposal."

"_**Nobody cares**__!_" black Zetsu burst out again.

"Fuck you," Sasori muttered back.

"_**Continuing**_**,** Pein is a great leader and Konan is a great _**bitch for Pein**_," Zetsu said.

"I thought you said you had that half under control!" Pein screamed at him.

"I'm trying," Zetsu stated. "Kakuzu and Hidan are a great team, and Hidan gives me useless bodies to eat after he makes his sacrifices. I love working with those two zombies."

"You love working with the freaks," Deidara said.

"Kisame is like me, different," Zetsu ignored Deidara, "and Itachi is just misunderstood."

The audience was actually enjoying themselves for once. Nobody was scared right now. It was just funny. A younger kids, only about ten years old, thought something about this one was particularly funny.

"Hey! Mr. Zetsu, you are weird just like the fish man! You're so funny looking! And the best part is that you think you're normal!" the kid yelled at the stage.

Zetsu looked at the child, one side pondering why the kid thought that way, another speculating the way he was going to eat the poor boy after taking his life.

"I'm no different than you are, and neither is Kisame. We may look different, but we have feeling _**and looooooove to eat**_ just like you," Zetsu said to the child.

The poor kid just flinched away, thinking it not in his best interests to open his mouth again. This guy definitely wasn't as scary looking as some of the other members, but he sure had a mouth on him. And what was up with that dark side?

"Lastly," Zetsu continue on, "Orochimaru…he…ummm…_**is a disgusting, creepy ass who wants to rape Itachi but can't because his power does not compare to that of the Uchiha bloodline.**_"

"THAT IS NOT TRUE!" Orochimaru yelled. "I just wanted his body-"

"_**So you could fuck his brains out whenever you felt like it,**_" black Zetsu finished for him.

"NO! I JUST WANT THE POWER OF-"

"Dat Uchiha shlong," white Zetsu burst out.

"Umm, what the hell Zetsu? That's just weird, un," Deidara said.

"**How?**" white Zetsu asked, attempting to mock his dark side.

"Because clearly you are speaking as your good half, yet you are trying to play it off as though you hadn't said anything about Itachi's dick. It's just not cool man," Pein broke in. "It's really weird, actually."

"I'm not weird," Zetsu replied. "That wasn't me, I swear," he said, sticking to his story.

"Sure it wasn't," Pein grumbled into his palm. "Just go on."

"Well, I'm pretty sure I've spoken about each member. Does the audience have any questions for me?" Zetsu asked towards the crowd.

"How in God's name do you even exist?" a viewer yelled to him.

"I'm just a person," Zetsu said.

"But you're half white and half black. That's not possible. That color of black shouldn't even exist on a human," the person stated.

"Well, I am a person. My mother told me I was," Zetsu said. "_**It's not your goddamn business anyway."**_

"Was your mother a person," an elderly woman asked.

"Yes, _**and she was an overbearing bitch, too**_, but she's dead now," Zetsu answered.

"Was she your biological mother?" another woman asked.

"No…"

"Then how do you know you're a real person and not one of Orochimaru's creepy ass experiments produced in a lab full of rejects?" Konan asked Zetsu. She, like all the other Akatsuki, did not have any bone in her body that liked Orochimaru. Not even those pointless tiny ones in her ear.

"Because my mother said so…"

"Well she could have lied…" Kisame told Zetsu.

"_**Like you're one to talk, you two faced bastard**_," black Zetsu spit. "Mother never lied."

"How would you know, un?" Deidara asked.

"Because everything she ever told me is correct. We were only together for about two months, but she loved me like a son. She told me to always water my body because it would keep me healthy. She told me that eating plenty would make me grow strong and keep me happy and overall help me in my everyday life. Eating definitely helps me in this organization. Also, she always stressed how important eating meat was, and_** that's why I fucking killed and ate the bitch!**_:" black Zetsu finished.

Every person in the entire room stared at Zetsu, each with a shocked face, mouth drooping wide open. Tobi, who had decided to come back on stage during Zetsu's little speech, started wailing again as he ran back and forth on the stage.

"Zetsu is a bad boy! He killed his mother! Why would he do such a thing?! Why would good Zetsu do it?!" Tobi was yelling, clearly upset about the issue.

"I didn't do it, Tobi! It was bad Zetsu who did it! I'm sorry," white Zetsu yelled overtop the crying. "Zetsu is a good boy still!"

"Zetsu is a very bad boy! Zetsu eats humans! He killed his mother!" Tobi continued.

"Alright. That's enough!" Pein screamed. "Zetsu, get off the stage, now! Take care of Tobi," he commanded.

"I'll try," Zetsu said as he handed the microphone to Itachi, who was supposed to go before him but had to be punished instead.

Itachi slowly stood up as Zetsu struggled to hold on to the terrified Tobi. "_**Quit squirming, fucker**_," black Zetsu said, only causing the idiot to cry and struggle harder while calling him a bad boy.

It was finally Itachi Uchiha's turn. The one they had all been waiting for.

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><p>AN: Hope you enjoyed this one. It was kind of fun to write, but I really can't wait to do the next chapter. Review please :)


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